Anxiety – Not Today!

I have been so good for so long.  I have been stretching myself and pretty much living a full life, with few boundaries caused by my anxiety.  And then it happens –

I wake at 3 am with that dreaded ball of molten liquid sitting in my gut!  I feel that if I don’t move to the bathroom, I may have an accident but my body doesn’t want to be moving.  It wants to be still and hiding in bed.  I think of the diffusion strategies I have been taught and begin the internal self talk.  After a few minutes, I feel the heat subside enough for me to get to the bathroom.  Accident prevented.

I return to bed but I leave the light on and find some music to listen to – anything to distract myself.  Not today …. The questions flow thick and fast.  What are you concerned about?  What could happen?  Why?  Always why?  Of course there is no why, it just is!  My heart rate begins to speed up, so I concentrate on my breath.  It calms enough for me to doze but when I next wake I feel sick in my stomach.  I get up and make a cup of tea but I am angry with myself!

Today is supposed to be a work day and then I have tickets to attend the Rod Stewart Concert tonight.  I did not prepare myself well enough.  I have things to do to help me plan and have control on days like this.  I didn’t complete them all ahead of time.  I didn’t put out my clothes to wear to work but I did make sure that I had a healthy lunch prepared.

The Easter weekend had been a mixture of alone time and contact with people time.  That was good.  I got myself to the football – all by myself on Friday night.  That was good.  I ate, at least, 2 healthy meals during the long weekend.  Not enough?  Probably not!  Exercise – probably not enough!  Fresh air and sunshine – probably not enough!  TV – too much.  Computer – too much.  Junk food – too much!

Now my mind is racing, so I sip my tea and concentrate on my breathing.  I begin to calm down enough to tell myself that all of these things can’t be changed but I can do better from now on.  I go to find my cat.  Stroking Fev soothes me and she begins to purr.  I take her back to bed with me and we snuggle down and I fall asleep at last.

I wake late and I feel hung over but I am still aware of that hot mess in the pit of my stomach.  It remains but doesn’t feel like it is controlling me.  At the moment, anyway.  I stop to decide what I really want to do today and quickly come to the conclusion, that if I want to give myself the best chance of getting to the concert tonight, work will not happen today.  I refuse to allow the guilt that is beginning to rise inside me, to be given any freedom to grow!

Today, must be about kindness to myself.  It must be about rest and recovery – it is not a good day for unreal expectations for myself.  Time to give myself a hug.  Time to eat well and go outside for a bit and do a bit more exercise and nap when I need too.   Allowing the negative feelings space but quickly moving on and listening to the positive messages I have inside me.

And only then, I will have the strength to go, with my friends, to the Concert I was so looking forward too.   I know how to take care of myself!

I will be ready for you, Rod!  Will you be ready for me?

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P.S: Anxiety Girl Cartoon by Natalie Dee

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Loving my kids! Loving myself!

Loving my kids is something that I have always found easy to do.  Liking them …. sometimes, not always so easy!

When my boys were little, although my heart was often breaking for them, I felt  like I could usually fix things for them when they were in need.

Not in a Christopher Pyne kind of way ….https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hc9NRwp6fiI

Hungry?  Easy – bread was my go to filler. Although frozen poppas and frozen tubs of yoghurt took a lot longer to eat!!  Injured? Usually a hug, a kiss and sometimes a band-aid did the trick.  Tired?  A cuddle on the bed with a book was often enough.  Lonely?  I would sit on the floor for a play.  Sickness?  I was the one they wanted  and I could comfort and reassure them and get them the medical help they needed.  Of course with 3 boys, fights were a big deal.  They weren’t so hard either because I had one that was quite happy to go to his room and be alone – so the reverse was required of him.  He had to spend time out in the kitchen or wherever, with me!  And I had one that always wanted to be where the action was – so, of course, he was sent to his room for a while!  The littlest one was usually  left to continue playing!  Being 6 years younger had to have some perks!

As the years moved on, the needs were pretty much the same, with the addition of a few new ones.  Transport, school requirements, money, sporting disappointments, broken hearts were added.  But I still felt like I could help!

Now my boys are men!  I still feel like I can help when there is a need.  If they find themselves in the middle of a problem and they share it with me, I immediately want them close to me.  I want to give them that supportive hug.  That listening ear.  That nourishing hot meal.  That few extra dollars.  Those familiar things that I did when they were young.  I want to do the thing that will take the pain away from them and build them up with love and comfort.

So the question that I am posing to myself is …… Why don’t I do this to myself when I am in need?

The things that I do for my sons, are exactly what I need when I am feeling down.  I need to do the thing that will take the pain away from me and build myself up with love and comfort.  I need to be  kind to myself.  I need to eat nourishing food.  I need rest.  I need to listen to myself.  I need to give myself a hug.  But I find myself, thinking negative thoughts and eating crap (or not eating at all) and not sleeping and berating my attempts to move forward and isolating myself from everyone!

Recognising my needs and listening to them is the only way to love myself.  That doesn’t mean that the needs of others are to be pushed aside.  Never!  But if I know how to and can recognise when to, take care of myself, I am much better equipped to serve the needs of others.

Treat yourself

Lazy …. really?

LAZY!

That word.  It keeps popping into my head.

Am I ? I really don’t know.  I think I am.  I must be.  I just don’t do stuff that I should.  Lots of stuff.  I don’t keep up.  I start but I hardly ever finish …. anything!  I want to, but there are so many distractions!   There always has been and it is the same for everyone.  Other people get distracted but still get stuff done … I don’t!

Distractions are my killers!

In the summer there is the cricket and the games go for 5 days, people!  And I don’t get bored – ever!  You can blame my Mum & Dad for that.  It’s a family tradition.  Eye spy with my little eye …. my sister lying on her couch in New Zealand watching the cricket.  But she will have already done some of the stuff she needed to do, before the cricket starts.  She makes bargains with herself.  She has to hang out the washing before she sits down.  Clever, I think, I’ll try that.  2 days later I remember that I put washing on and totally forgot about hanging it out to dry!  I got distracted by …. I don’t know what but I must have been distracted because if I wasn’t, I really might just be LAZY!  Then there is the heat!  I really don’t do hot!  In the winter there is the distraction of footy and the cold!  I do do footy but I don’t do cold!

Posted @ QUOTEZ.CO

Friends who love me say – you just have to do it!  I know – but I don’t do it!  They come and help me to get started on things and I am so appreciative of their care and love.  But then I stop when they leave and don’t get things finished.  I have thought about why I am like this but I find no answers.  It annoys the hell out of me but not enough to motivate me to do anything!

I will always choose being over doing.  I would much rather spend time sitting chatting with friends than walking chatting with friends.  Technology is my life line but also it is killing me!  You see, it is my way of being with people without having to go and do anything.  I live alone and I suffer from anxiety and depression.  I need to feel connected to people with a minimum of stress and that is easier with technology.  I have made attempts to cut back on my use of social media and I’ve several times removed apps from my phone to help me engage with the real world.  It doesn’t take me long to find myself in a dark place, opting out of life.  Addiction is a word that comes to mind.

So I wander along this befuddled line of self care, loving myself, forgiving myself and laziness!  I need to do stuff for my brain and my body and my spirit and my faith and my relationships!  I have no idea what to do about this?  Do you have any ideas?  Please share suggestions if you do.  I am interested in your thoughts and ideas  and whatever makes you do your stuff!

Meanwhile, I’m going back to watch the cricket while you are all thinking for me!

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