I did it!
I went on my blind date and I didn’t die! I didn’t embarrass myself by flirting inappropriately and of course, I did over share! In fact, I gave him my last blog post to read as an introduction and Dr Luke almost fell off his chair laughing.
He wasn’t what I expected, he was younger. He had a bright cheery, manner but with a sincerity that rang true, he told me that he understood that I was grieving my break up with my old GP and he wouldn’t try to replace him but simply support and guide me in my quest for health. Wise man!
Yes, we spoke about my weight …… on a first date. It was a supportive talk – not about numbers but about taking care of myself and supporting the endeavours already taking place. He listened intently, then praised the great things I am doing. Wise man!
As I had known my last GP on a fairly personal level, I enquired if I could “ask questions about his personal life because I’m sure that there were things I might be able to help him with.” Also, I told him “I’m better at give and take relationships!!” He smiled graciously, and replied “that I could ask anything I wanted but he might choose not to answer everything I asked!” Wise man! He is married with a 4 month baby girl! I was happy with that amount of sharing.
Mostly, I talked for the half hour appointment and he listened. Towards the end, I asked him if he had any suggestions or anything that he thought I might change? He said he certainly had some ideas but no way was he interested in doing anything quickly. Rather, that we would take time to get to know each other better and that as I was moving forward and not backward, he would rather leave everything as is at the moment. Wise man!
With that, he checked that all my scripts were up to date, that my referrals & mental health plans were in order, told me how much he liked & respected the work my psychologist was doing then wrote a few things on a post-it note to talk about with her during my next visit. He thanked me for trusting him with my care and told me to keep writing ….. Wise Man!
My first ever blind date seems to have been a success. It was uncomfortable in the beginning. It was a relief when it was over. And I will NOT be signing up for RSVP or Tinder anytime soon.
Have you ever been on a blind date? I haven’t but I am going on one today. A friend has set us up – he seems to think we will be compatible. In fact, the friend has hand-picked this bloke for me.
I’m nervous. What if it is awkward and we can’t talk? Maybe he will take one look at me and decide that my weight is going to be a major problem in our new relationship. I have so many questions …. it has been so long since I’ve had to do this. You know – sell yourself!
When people are at that getting to know you phase, pace can be everything. Sometimes one person wants to share everything (ME) and the other person wants to take things a little more slowly (EVERYBODY ELSE)! Holding back can make me seem weirder than usual. It can make me share nothing at all or it can make me talk incessantly …. about inappropriate things. It can also cause me to flirt at inappropriate times and places!!
Next issue is what do you wear at these times? I want to be comfortable but also look so good! I want to be honest about who I am but I don’t want to project the total disaster that I feel inside. What if he thinks that I always look this good, when I know I won’t be able to pull this confident, sassy look off every time we see each other? Then again I don’t want to scare him off.
Smell …. I must smell good! Nothing worse than being stinky on a first meeting. What perfume do I choose? Something fresh and confident? But that’s not really who I am. Or something a little dark and broody? That’s more me but those kind of perfumes give me a headache and can be a little scary for some people.
Then there is my humour. This is a key for me. The death jokes! The mental illness jokes! The adult men as children jokes! The menopause jokes! The medication jokes! Need I go on ……
The fact that I am always going to have lots of other men in my life – my three adult sons; their dead father – Adrian; Rod Stewart; Robbie Williams; Jax Teller; Rayland Givens …….
To soon? What to tell and what to keep until later? The fact that my best friend is my cat! Now that’s should slow things down. That I’m a blogger – yep that should STOP things completely!
I’m going on a blind date and these are the things that my mind is going over.
Dr Luke …. I sure do hope you are ready for your new patient, with the long appointment booked for 1 pm this afternoon!
As I have written many times previously, change is not my best friend. Especially change that I have not chosen. With this in mind, I ask the questions ….
Why do those closest to me, have to have their own lives? Why do their lives have to affect me and my life? You know what I mean? I’m talking about having babies or moving house or getting ill or getting married or just deciding to change their job!
I am sure it has happened to many of you before but this week my General Practitioner left me! Yes! After many years he just up and left me! How rude! He did send me a letter and I did go to say goodbye and thank you, and tears may have been shed but then he left me! I have never felt so abandoned before – except when my hairdresser of 30 years did exactly the same thing! She left me! Don’t these people realise that I need them in my life? That they are my safe place when the storm arrives? I can not believe that they think that their health, children, marriage, future or sanity is more important than mine!!
Oh sure, they have recommended a replacement but that new person doesn’t know me! How can they possibly know that to part my hair on the other side looks stupid because we tried it in 1988! How can they possibly know that sometimes I just book a long appointment because I know by this time in the week, my GP might need a break to talk about the cricket or their kid’s school? Surely, I’m not just another patient / client to them? Am I?
The grieving I feel is real but it is also important to move on ….. fairly quickly. But how do I do that? Easier with a hairdresser – I just grew my hair longer! But a doctor? My health is pretty crap, both mentally & physically, most of the time. Do I send out a job description? Applicants please send your CV to this email address …. Or do I go by word of mouth? You know what I mean …. a friend of a friend of a friend’s mother recommends this person!! Surely, all the local, bulk billing, free anytime I need them, doctor’s will want to have me as their patient! Wouldn’t you? Nup? Me neither!!
So, I’m on the search for a new General Practitioner and I don’t have much time because my Centrelink claim for my pension has just been rejected – again – and I have another 49 page Challenge Document for them to complete!! HELP!
Do you know that my husband would have been 60 years old had he still been alive?
Do you know that I thought he would have been 59? Yes, I forgot how old he is. Only gone 6 years and I can’t even remember his age!
All week I have been working hard to be positive during this hateful, painful time – where we get to remember both Adrian’s birth and his death in the same week. I have purposefully concentrated on the happy memories. How we met and fell in love, our wonderful sons and the music he loved! This year, for the first time in 6 years, I didn’t shed a tear on the anniversary of his death. Well, good for me! Whoop de doo! I must be moving forward in this slow grief process. Onward and upward! Great stuff – just ask everybody. They tell me that is a real step forward and I believed them and myself – it was.
Today, Adrian’s birthday, I forgot how old he was going to be! I can’t believe that after only 6 years I have forgotten how old my husband was to be? I mean to say, we celebrated 28 birthdays together and now I forget?
The tears started ….. and then I realised that there were indeed other things that I failed to do this year. I hadn’t spoken to his mother on the anniversary day! How could I NOT do that? I had visited his grave but unfortunately there was a burial right next to his grave, which meant I couldn’t really have any alone time to arrange the non snapdragon flowers on the grave. Yes, only BabyBoy was able to find snappies to put on the grave but not me …. I left looking too late.
I feel shame today. I feel ashamed today. If moving on means forgetting – I don’t want to move on! I want to stay stuck in the middle of my grief …. at least I remember then!
Happy 60th Birthday Adrian ….. forever 53!