I can pee with the door open!

Did you ever have so many options that you didn’t know where to start?  You know, the jobs are piling up but your thoughts keep wandering to other things.  The weather is beautiful so the outdoors is calling.  The cricket is calling, so the TV beckons.  The tumble weeds, from your cat, are beginning to resemble a desert rather than your kitchen floor. Just one more level to be conquered on Candy Crush.  Bills to pay, phone calls to be made, groceries to be restocked, books to read, birds to watch, blogs to write …. and of course the really big one!

It is only 63 days until Christmas, people!!!!

Fev's fur tumbleweed!
Fev’s fur tumbleweed!

It was during one of these many days of options, that I thought about the things I love about living alone.  It doesn’t relate you say!  Oh for me it does – big time!  You see, when Adrian was alive and the kids still lived at home, my days of options were limited.  Indeed, mostly my days were mapped out for me around the needs of my family.  We went to swimming when the boys needed to.  To doctors appointments when necessary.  School events and social events revolved around the family.  Meals were expected at certain times to fit in with each persons busy schedule, as was the whole laundry thing!  I was teaching full time, so if stuff didn’t get done – chaos reigned!  I longed for the day when I could choose what I wanted to do and when I wanted to do it.

Well, that day has arrived and it is everything I thought it would be.  I can wash when I run out of undies!  I can cook whenever and whatever I feel like eating.  I can stay up as late as I want and sleep in if I need to.  I can choose the food I buy and know that when I go to the cupboard for something …. it will still be there and unopened!  The toothpaste always has a top on it; the lights are always switched off when not being used; I can pee with the toilet door open; empty toilet rolls no longer can be found piling up on the floor …. need I go on?

It is truly everything I thought it would be – and worse!

Who knew that having so many options would do my head in so quickly?  Not me!  How annoying is it when the bathroom needs cleaning and you have no one to blame for the toothpaste on the mirror, but yourself?  How soul destroying is it get up in the morning, only to remember that you decided to make yourself a smoothie for dinner at 11:15 pm last night and so there is no milk for breakfast or even for your morning cuppa, until YOU drive to the shops to buy some?  Then of course there are the days when you have put something important in that special place, only to find you have no idea where that special place is any more!

You have to make the decisions!  You have to take the responsibility for those decisions – right or wrong.  No more arguments  I mean discussions, about who or what or when or where or how or how much.  Just options, for you to choose from.  It’s what you longed for or is it?

And then your kids come to stay or you have overnight visitors.  Schedules all of a sudden become important again.  You spend long hours chatting and eating and planning outings.  It is so much fun to prepare and consider and be a part of a team again. You realise that you have become quite sloppy and ill disciplined and that structure feels good and necessary and comfortable.  You bask in the inclusion – for a while!

Questions start to slip into your mind, like – How long are they staying?  Do we have to eat that …… now?  Would it be rude to chat with my laptop on my knee, playing Candy Crush at the same time? I’ll turn the sound off!!  Why can’t they put the toilet lid down?  Not to mention Fev’s antisocial behaviour that kicks in!!  You love these people of yours but something has changed.  You need your space more than ever before.  You need to choose the TV shows that you want to watch.  You need to be able to lie on the couch in your pj’s, if you really feel like it.  And mostly you need to be able to pee with the door open, so that the loose doorstop will NOT make that dragging sound every time you open or close the door!

Loose doorstop!
Loose doorstop!
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Addiction!

It begins with a fleeting distraction, triggered by something I see.  My thoughts begin to wander from the television show I am watching.  I start to fidget and walk over to the fridge to browse.  Nothing that will help me there!  Back to the TV – I try to refocus.  It lasts for a minute or two.

The colours crowd my mind with desire.  I’ll just look – that’ll be OK.  But can I just look?  The colours suggest texture and taste.  I feel the craving begin to burn.  I know I can’t just look but I’m going to try.  I open it and discover with dismay that some of my friends have been, while I was watching TV.  Well, that can’t happen again!

I’ll just try one!  I think I can do that.  As I sample the first, I know it will once again lead me down the path of 2, 3, 4 …..  I’ve been here before.  The joy of that first is never enough.  But I can stop whenever I want – I have before.  Even for a whole month!

The memory of returning, after that month felt so good but I was annoyed that my friends hadn’t stopped with me!  I no longer thought about them, other than to wait for them to provide for me.  Why couldn’t they see my need?  Why did I have to wait so long for their gifts?  If they were really my friends they would readily share – as I do with them.

I have other things to do but I they are secondary until I have had my want fulfilled.  And so it begins.  I scour the internet for ways to be supplied.  And, at the same time, ways to stop!  Everyday there are new suggestions for both.  Which will work for me?  Try them all until success is mine.

I succumb to the feeling of peace within.  But that doesn’t last long.  I begin to justify to myself.  I live alone.  No one is getting hurt.  I can still function.  I’m not a bad person.  Soon become – I missed dinner?  I probably didn’t need it!  Where did that time go?  Do I have to have a shower if I’m staying at home?

Then it happens.  My supplier will be out of action for a few days, needs fixing.  I can do this.  The reality hits me hard.

No Candy Crush Saga for a week!

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