Change!

Today was supposed to be a work day for me but I stayed home, under the covers and listened to all 12 episodes of the podcast Serial.  The problem is that I only have two work days a week, so I can’t really afford to stay at home under the covers on one of those days!  So why did I do it?  I felt really tired.

At first I thought that my tiredness was totally caused by the worry I have been doing, about my 96 year old mother in law (MIL).  She has been in hospital for several weeks now and gently broaching the subject with her, of moving into a residential care facility has been stressful.  She agreed with the suggestion on the weekend and has totally convinced herself it will be the most wonderful thing for her – and we all agree!  I feel so relieved.

Of course, relief can cause tiredness but as I lay in bed this morning, I wondered if there was something else dragging me down.  I looked around for tell-tale signs and discovered that YES they were all there.  This is what I found.

I have not been out of my house since Friday.  I have very little food in my fridge or cupboards – certainly no healthy food.  I have been online almost every waking minute since Friday but have not actually written anything on my blog.  I have played games and watched junk TV all day everyday and have listened to my newest addiction – Podcasts – most nights.  I have also stopped eating …. everything but breakfast.  Cereal morning, noon and night but now I have run out of milk!  I feel fat and ugly.  I am fat but NOT ugly.  I want to give my Boys money that I don’t have …. they haven’t asked for anything by the way.  I am scared.  I feel sick in my stomach and my hands are shaky.  I am mad at myself.

I feel like I am letting myself and my tribe down.  I set the goal of focussing on the positive things in my life when writing The Mandy Diaries – to make myself feel better and maybe cause a smile or two.  But time after time I find myself typing about my anxieties and short comings.  What a downer for people to read, I say to myself.  Maybe I shouldn’t publish everything I write?

Being as authentic as I can be, is very much how I wish to be seen.  Trying not to be self-absorbed is something I struggle with on an hourly basis.  So here I am, once again writing about my issues and trying to say what some of you might be feeling but can’t or don’t have the opportunity or desire to share.

There is enforced change on the horizon for me.  I don’t even do chosen change very well.  So when change comes with no control on my part ….. RED LIGHTS FLASHING!!!!  AVOID!  AVOID!  

I am eventually going to have to return to Adelaide to help the extended family, clear out my MIL’s home of the last 35 years.  I know that it is a hard thing to do.  After a death is difficult enough but to do it in a respectful way when the person is alive is such a responsibility.  I am mad at Adrian for leaving me to struggle through this without him!!  CHANGE!

It is only a month before I no longer have a job anymore.  My work has been the only real bit of structure in my life for a while now and although I am often unable to get there, the people I work for and with are the most caring, thoughtful and encouraging workmates and friends.  There are so many questions to answer about my ability to find and keep a new job, about my eligibility for government support, about my short and long-term financial stability.  CHANGE!

I said YES to attending a hydrotherapy class with a friend, tomorrow night.  I don’t want to go!  I am pretty sure I will die!  Dramatic much …. you think?  I am sure this is why I stopped eating this week.  So I will be thin enough to feel comfortable at the pool!  Thanks mind for thinking so logically! (Rolls eyes and shakes head!)  I don’t want to let my friend or myself down.  I need this.  CHANGE!

So I will give myself a massive hug.  Write a small grocery list – hopefully I will get through it without the panic attack that occurred last shopping day and go and buy some healthy food and a few treats.  I will once again begin the journey of change with one small step at a time and if I meet you on the road too, know that I am holding out my hand to you, through my blog, because I need your support and because I want to be your support. Maybe we can do CHANGE ….. one stumbling step at a time, together!