I Miss You, Adrian!

Today it happened!  For the first time, since beginning The Mandy Diaries, a couple of months ago, I don’t really know what to write.   I am thinking, should I write a post about my obsession with Christmas?  Too early?   I should write about being a single parent of three grown men?   But is that really interesting?  Maybe because I wrote about my Mum, I should also write about my wonderful Mother-in-law?  She does turn an amazing 96 years old this week!  I just don’t feel motivated to write about any of the above things.  I need to write about something but I feel blocked.  I  am just not feeling it.  For me to write it, I must be feeling it.  So what am I feeling?

I just miss you, Adrian!

There I’ve said it.

I miss you, Adrian!

It’s been five and a half years since you died and as the years go by, the loneliness does not get better, it just gets different!  Sure the day to day functioning improves.  Change happens because it has to and because you want it to.  But, for me, the aloneness  hits often and hard and when I’m least expecting it!  Like today!  So this is what I am feeling so I will write it.

I miss you, Adrian!

Family Baby Patrick
First family photo.

We were a team for 30 years – 28 of them married and living away from each of our families.  Yes, the leave and cleave thing ….. we did that alright!  We were different but we were the same.  One of our mutual friends, when hearing that we had met, fallen in love and were to be married, said  that we deserved each other!  We laughed at hearing this but as the years passed not a truer word has been spoken about our relationship.  We loved hard and played hard and fought hard and we never gave up on each other.  Our life together was littered with hard stuff – lots of it!  Loss was a common theme.  We lost babies before they were born.  We lost our beloved Ministry.  We lost our fathers.  We lost businesses.  We lost our health.  We lost money.  But we continued to have each other.  Loyalty was our thing.  If you picked on one of us, you got both of us.  When one couldn’t any more …… the other did!

I miss you, Adrian!

Adrian wheelchail

Our life together was sprinkled with amazing stuff too!  We had three incredible boys who now are, creative and adventurous men who show tenderness and loyalty beyond measure.  We had a wonderful extended family who went on this journey with us but allowed us to choose our own path.  We had friends that went beyond the bounds of what friendship should expect.  We had shared celebrations to make memories forever.  We had holidays and football Grand Finals and weddings and music and a lovely home and great food!  I still have every one of these things, today! But ….

I miss you, Adrian!

Not the big  things because you are still in all those things.  Not so much the physcial  things because I see you every day in our sons, that have so much of your ways about them.  Not even the doing, as much as the being!

I miss you, Adrian!

3 Monkeys
Photo credit to Andrew Barclay.

I miss the banter and verbal jousting that we had.  I miss the knowing look across a room, that told me that you saw me and was on your way to rescue me from that boring person or topic, in a conversation.  I miss watching out in a crowd to see if the person you were talking too, needed rescuing from you!!  I miss calling you up to share some life altering sporting news that only you and I would see as life changing!  I miss the deep breath we took together, before we faced the world of decision making – whether it was a School Principal, an Oncologist, the police or hospital on the phone!  I miss being able to share news and talk about mutual friends that no one else knows.  I miss knowing that I don’t have to cope alone, no matter what the situation.

So today, that is NOT a special or important day. NOT an anniversary.  Not an especially hard, lonely or emotional day.  These are the things I miss. These are the things I am feeling, so these are the things I write about.

I miss you, Adrian and I’m thankful.

Grave

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “I Miss You, Adrian!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s